Day 6 – Meditation Retreat

⦿ I love waking in the morning and NOT checking the phone.

⦿ I can see that I was built to serve L/L Research—I work very hard and rock it out, operationally speaking, thanks as well to an amazing team—but I also feel underqualified. Someone in my position freer from their own misery and confusion is needed; someone able to communicate that in a clarifying vision that shines a light upon the way for others. I have a very good grasp of the Law of One philosophy, but what of embodying KYAYBC? (Know Yourself, Accept Yourself, Become the Creator)

⦿ Goenka stresses bringing awareness to body sensations equanimously. Ra says, “the various functions of the body need understanding and control with detachment.” I need to blend Buddhism with the Law of One.

⦿ It’s another shower day (for me)! And speaking of, I think that this was the first day of being greeted by the B.O. of another. It reminded me of a mountain town in western North Carolina…

⦿ Everyone here is working out their own salvation. They could be on a beach sunbathing and swimming in waters saline and alcoholic, but they are giving a portion of their lives to seek peace and transformation here, to be better for this world. I so admire each.

⦿ REMEMBER: Thoughts are of the past and future. Breath is of the present. Body is present. Thought is forgetfulness. I am understanding more the value of becoming aware of and sensitive to the minute sensations of body. It is a portal to Now, to What Is, to the unconscious as it reveals itself insofar as one has become an equanimous observer.

A nighttime view of the pagoda

11am

⦿ The cell! The grounds contain a large Burmese-style pagoda (see picture above) that contains over 100 individual meditation “cells” inside; essentially a tiny room the size of a closet consisting of a floor, ceiling, four walls, and a door, with a meditation cushion. Here one can meditate in darkness and near total silence by themselves. “Old students”—those who had completed a 10-day course in the past, of which there were many, some of them on their 6th time or more—were assigned a cell on day two. “New students”, like myself, were assigned a cell on day 6. Prior to signing up for the course, I had no idea these existed. Experiencing one was like Christmas day.

⦿ Almost 2hrs unbroken my first time! I think I’m finding my way. The awareness that one can access… it doesn’t necessarily, or at least not immediately, seem to change or reconfigure the personality. Instead it bathes that personality in all-seeing, all-embracing awareness, revealing what… let’s say… a construct the outer personality is, while also holding its myriad imperfections in an unconditionally loving embrace.

For a time, I could see the quirks, neuroses, conditioned behavior, and other unique facets of my personality as all… okay. Whatever cultural standard the self is meeting or not meeting, everything is loved just as it is.

⦿ I made a drawing of two elements. On the left is a circle with the caption “Me” above it. Inside the circle: thoughts, sensations, past/future, choices, memories, identity. On the right, an eye looking unblinkingly at that circle with the caption “Awareness” and “Equanimous Observation”

⦿ By using the vipassana technique, says Goenka, with equanimous awareness—not reacting and creating new sankharas—the old sankharas (roughly: our past conditioning and tendencies) bubble up to the surface and release. They are exposed “layer by layer.” This has some accordance with the way that Tolle describes attention as an alchemical mechanism for transmuting unconsciousness into consciousness, darkness into light.

Equanimity produces a purification of the mind.

⦿ Where in the Dhamma Hall I am on the backjack, in the cell I am sitting upright on a meditation bench with no back support. There are significant intertwining ribbons of tension and contraction that cause compression on the chest and breathing. I didn’t try to “solve” or change, just witnessed without deviation of the attention. No impositions of past or future, just now.

I am able to keep the spine straight with constant, unwavering awareness. When the attention waivers, the spine immediately almost imperceptibly slouches until there is pain. I suspect that my lifetime of poor posture isn’t so much a musculature or physiological situation, but rather an outgrowth of energetic blockage and unconsciousness.

⦿ This is how I (re)enter reality. This is how I submit myself to the Creator – an awareness inherently and infinitely intelligent.

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